Monday, November 16, 2009

Thanks to the words of blogger Lu, I finally am able to write a little something here. Because, like her, there has been something I really, really wanted to say. But I didn't know how (still don't know, to be honest). Or because I am afraid how other readers - both casual and long-term - might think of me.

Like her, the imagery of Tony Leung trying to unburden himself into the hallow of an old tree also passed through my mind in the last while.

But guess what, I really cannot bear it any longer, I need to speak.

Needless to say, things have not gone well in the last while. I dare say it is one of the unhappiest times of my life, and I have had it pretty rough quite a few times.

I am simply drained.

I have been character-assasinated by someone I once thought of as an ally if not a friend.

The pain is physical, it hurts so so much it is surreal. It hurts even more than when I accidentally almost snipped off the tip of my finger a couple of weeks ago. The wound on my finger is slowly healing now, but this other pain is and have been hanging over me like a dark, thunderous cloud, about to strike me with lightning bolts of pain at any given moment.

* * *

I am really sick and tired of office politics.

I want out.

Yet I know even saying this (or thinking this) would have meant those who hurt me would succeed in their aim, and not only do I not want to give them the satisfaction, but more importantly, I know what I have been doing is good, that students and graduates rate my work very highly, and so I am not leaving just because a bunch of back-stabbing bitches are intent on destroying my reputation and my career, for no reason other than that they themselves feel insecure about the quality of their own work, and realised that the students can see right through them.

* * *

Yet I have to keep up a brave face. It's really fucking hard. It is extremely difficult to be in the same room as someone you realised belatedly as having been maligning you to all and sundry in the past while. It is all I could do to maintain a facade of civility and not give her any bogus cause to malign me further.

* * *

All of these is distracting me from my real work, of course. I have been lucky enough to be offered very kind respite and emotional support from my supervisor in the last while. But this cannot carry on. I cannot allow others to destroy my own chance for success and happiness (yes, happiness is no exaggeration, for it would be a much longed-for liberating feeling when I finish).

* * *

This too shall pass.

I can do it. Hang in there.

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