Monday, December 28, 2009

The noughties - a personal stock-take...

Not sure what kind of final judgement I would pass on my first decade of this millenium. I have grown older, surely, but have I grown wiser? From my 20's to my 30's, I feel I am still exploring the limits of my potential, my self a work in progress still. All the old certainties have gone, along with all my cockiness (good), perhaps even my confidence (bad). I have become humbler as a person, but no less impatient, and no less frustrated when faced with difficulties. Sometimes I still feel like a twenty-year-old, or a sixteen-year-old, or, heaven forfend, even a twelve-year-old -- my lack of maturity and social gaucheness a damning indictment of my overly idealistic, overly analytical self.

And yet. And yet. There are times when I have exceeded my own expectations in dealing with problems and with people. My relationship with my parents have gone a complete 180 degrees since the beginning of this decade. In family matters, I know I have become an adult, and I play a positive part in family affairs. I am setting an example for my younger siblings -- not necessarily for them to follow, but for them to see the possibilities that are out there, for them to see that it is possible -- through hard work, grit, and a bit of luck -- to make one's own way in this world. That one needs not be afraid to step out into the world and to boldly embrace change, at whatever age and without an apparent, well-trodden road-map. That one could learn to be resourceful and become self-reliant. Above all, to learn to hold one's own.

And yet. And yet. There are also times when I have let myself down -- and let others down -- in dealing with problems and with people. My self-discipline has steadily eroded over the last decade when it was actually needed the most, to the extent that I am nowadays merely fire-fighting, rather than be securely in control of my time and my life, as I have longed to do. As a corollary to this breakdown in self-discipline, I know that my personal life is a mess, to be perfectly and brutally honest. There are persons to whom I should have devoted utmost care and attention and time; instead, they are forced to make do with whatever scraps of attention I could spare them. The guilt for not making time for these important people in my life is a dull ache that has slowly but surely been eating away at me. I know that, if I don't get my arse into gear, very soon I will lose them. And I do NOT want to lose them.

My work should have been done. It is almost done. I need to make it done. I applaud myself for fighting to get it done, but the real thanks go to my long-suffering loved ones who continue to emotionally support me, giving me a shoulder and an ear when I felt the need to moan, and a rousing pep talk when I needed to go into battle and fight. Most of all though, I have been extremely lucky to have met my mentors. Their kindness and generosity of spirit have continued to be a source of inspiration to me all these years. I would consider myself a huge success if, after another ten years, I grow to be more like them in personality if not in actual professional achievement.

There were, if truth be told, an awful lot of self-sabotage in the past decade. That unhealthy trend needs to be stopped dead in its track. I need to re-focus in order to steer my talents towards realising my life's work, to repay the unstinting support of those I deeply admire; more importantly, I need to re-focus on my true priorities in life, in order that I could finally become an active, positive presence in the lives of those I love.

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At Mon Dec 28, 06:33:00 p.m. GMT, Blogger Pilland said...

Season’s Greetings and Best Wishes to You and to Your Visitors! I arrived here just surfing. I hope Your Today will be all the time better than Yesterday and worse than Tomorrow!

An Estonian living in Italy

At Mon Dec 28, 06:38:00 p.m. GMT, Anonymous POLICEMAN said...

Hello from the Garda Lake to the Country in which I'd be called... Garda!

At Wed Dec 30, 02:49:00 p.m. GMT, Blogger Snowdrops said...

Thanks Pilland and Policeman (or Garda if you prefer) for your kind greetings. Hope you're enjoying the festive season and very best wishes for the new year.


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